Education – The Gift of Independence
Noah, Male, 65 Written by Bhavinagayatri
I never imagined that I would be spending my 65th birthday sitting across the doctor and counsellor at the clinic for addiction treatment. Married with three sons, I run my own business. My eldest son, who is 31 years old, started gambling at the tender age of 15.
Over the years, I helped to settle his debts, which amounted to more than $250,000. I thought I was helping him to change his ways by giving him a job in my company. However, I soon noticed him siphoning money from the company. He did not attend work regularly, which was unfair to the other employees.
Every time I discovered illegal transactions done by him, I quickly covered his tracks before any of my staff noticed it. Though I knew that his actions were wrong and punishable by law, I never thought of reporting him to the police.
Amidst everything, I was frustrated as I was struggling to support my two younger sons, who were studying abroad. Their overseas education and various expenses were not cheap. I would have felt much better if my eldest son had taken my company’s money for education purposes. Unfortunately, my hard-earned money was spent settling his gambling debts.
Education is a priceless and important gift that every parent has a duty to provide their children with. Education is a gift of knowledge to help individuals succeed and gain skills to overcome many challenges in life. Unlike material attainment, knowledge cannot be retracted after it has been absorbed. That makes education very powerful in laying the foundation for a meaningful and successful life. As such, I valued education and wanted to provide my children with all the education that they were willing to pursue.
As my eldest son’s gambling addiction continued, he started borrowing money from illegal moneylenders. Unable to pay off the money he had borrowed from the illegal moneylenders, they threatened to take physical action. Seeing no other way out of his situation, he confessed to my wife and I about his debts.
I was shocked and disappointed to hear of the predicament that he had put himself and the family in. My wife was heartbroken and adamantly refused to help him with his debts. Though I was sad, I could not leave the situation as it was. I was deeply affected by the threats from the illegal moneylenders, as I did not want my eldest son or anyone in the family to get hurt. Protecting my son and the reputation of my family meant a lot to me. If the illegal moneylenders openly announced my eldest son’s debt to our neighbourhood, the amount of embarrassment and shame would be too much for my family to bear. My wife and I have lived with integrity and honour throughout our lives, enjoying much respect from all who knew us. I did not want our years of earned respect and good reputation to be destroyed. I lost sleep and struggled to focus on my business, as I kept thinking about my eldest son’s debts. Amazingly, despite all my mental and emotional turmoil, my son appeared to live his daily life unaffected. His lack of concern and remorse over the situation angered me.
I felt helpless and frustrated, with mixed emotions running through my mind. Over the years, I had heard his confessions over his gambling debts countless times. I had tried many different approaches on him, in hopes that he would change. Yet, my hopes were always short-lived and I felt immensely discouraged every time history repeated itself. Time and again, my efforts failed. I felt drained. My energy was waning over the years. My business was not doing well and I did not have the means to help my son clear his debts this time around. I could not juggle the challenges in my life. And so, I broke down.
Questions ran through my mind. Self-blame and a wave of desperation came over me. “Had I failed as a father? What had happened to my eldest son? Where had I gone wrong in his upbringing? How was I going to find money to pay off his debts? How many times can I help him to clear his debts? Why? How?” I wanted to scream and shout.
My thoughts overwhelmed me and slowly pushed me to the brink. The thought of ending my life came to me. A little voice inside my mind whispered, “Why should you end your life? What about your wife? What about your two younger sons?” It would be extremely unfair to them if I allowed myself to be so consumed by my troubles over my eldest son.
I felt lost and alone. I was desperate and did not know how else I could help my eldest son to get over his gambling addiction. I sought help from my brother to give me an objective view of the situation and suggest realistic solutions. My brother and I discussed various ways to help my eldest son stop gambling permanently. He recommended that I seek help from a clinic for addiction treatment. That was how my son and I ended up seeking help from the specialists there.
At the clinic, I came to realise that I was not helping my eldest son with his gambling addiction by bailing him out and paying off his debts each time he got into financial trouble. I needed to let him take responsibility for his actions and debts.
Following the advice from the specialists, I negotiated with the illegal moneylenders for an instalment plan to pay off his debt. My eldest son was expected to attend work faithfully to earn his salary, of which a portion would be deducted to pay for the instalment of his debt. In addition to working at my company, he had to attend individual counselling sessions and support group on a weekly basis to reinforce his decision and determination to kick his gambling habit. The support group has helped my eldest son to embark on a journey of recovery by understand his gambling addiction, learn new skills, cope with his gambling urges, as well as manage his finances and debts healthily.
For myself, I need to re-establish my trust in him. Constant worrying about how he spends his time and money, while struggling to believe his words, is unhealthy for our relationship. The counselling sessions and family support group that I attended has helped me manage my own issues and emotions.
I am thankful for the strong support from my brother as I continue to encourage my son in his journey of recovery from his gambling addiction. This journey will be long, but I will not give up on my son. I have faith, that one day, my son will be free from his addiction and be able to lead a healthy and productive life.
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